I am told the passage of time helps. I am not sure of that yet. I do have good days when I feel I can continue to live without my father’s physical presence and just when I kid myself all is well I slip down the deep valley of sadness.
When I have a bad day I really feel surprised, shocked even and numb. In the next few days I will be celebrating my father’s 97th birthday. My Dad had the zest for life. He wanted to reach 100.
We, as in my Dad and I were lucky that we had as long spell together many are not that fortunate. I also know how blessed I am that I was able to enjoy his intellectual company right until the end.
The other day I walked past the greeting cards section in our local supermarket. I will still buy a card for his birthday but this does not take away the blunt awareness of his physical absence.
Half the time I just cannot articulate how raw I still feel. I re joined my old law firm recently. Going back there has been really nice for I am with friends but a small part of me has been reacquainted with the deep grief I felt in the early days. I am meeting friends who were with me on my journey when I was my Dad’s carer.
A lot has changed in my life on all fronts yet I still wish I had his presence. Going home to an empty house and seeing his still empty chair is a solid reminder of the finality of death.
Not being able to discuss what I did at work with him and worst not being able to hear his voice. All the little things I took for granted I now appreciate with a degree of guilt. Just wished I had appreciated him more in life than now.
So 15 months on yes I have moved a step or two but my heart is very much broken. Like a broken expensive vase that cannot be put together ever again.
I am trying to put a brave face on and I can get through the day to day practicalities of life. What I am still searching for is my mojo.
I hope one day I will find this. For now I will end this blog on a positive note. I am celebrating my father’s 97th birthday with a few friends at home hopefully, if the weather is lovely and sunny just like my Dad loved, I will mark this day outside in the garden with good company, tea and his favourite food.
If you are on a similar journey hang in there..
Om, peace be with you.