A quote by T.S. Elliot inspired me to write this blog today.
“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time”.
He further advised to find the still point of the turning world..
I started this blog to help me and those on a similar journey to try to make sense of the death of a father.
It is 1554 days since or 4 years 3 months and two days since his freedom and my journey to find the lost me.
Someone quite rightly said grief creates an extraordinary energy. Those who really knew my Dad and I witnessed our beautiful relationship will know how much he meant to me. He was my father and my best friend. Still is! I was lucky and blessed that he is such a big part of my life.
In the early days I thought I’d lost my Dad. We tend to associate our existence with our physical form but we are as Dr. Wayne Dyer said spiritual beings on earth having a human experience and not human beings having a spiritual experience.
I realise now my Dad still inspires me to raise my game and to be a better human being. Well, I strive to anyhow.
It would be remiss of me not to acknowledge and appreciate all those good people who have come into my life since my father’s death and at the right time as I was broken open. As I fell I was fortunate to have been caught by another and there were times when I just fell. These kind souls just stepped into my life and made my journey bearable.
Something I learnt from my father was no matter how dismal a situation appears don’t give up and don’t give in. At times I had to dig deep and really push myself to get through the day in hand. The lesson I learnt from my Dad has stood me in good stead and in 19 days time I will mark what would have been my Dad’s 100th birthday and I will also embark on my biggest emotional and physical challenge yet. Yes, I have the audacity to think I can run the London marathon 26.2 miles !
I hope to achieve this with a bit of help from my Dad, the universe and my great friends.
There will be many runners there like me who will be running a full marathon first time and they too will have their own personal stories spurring them on.
For me this all feels surreal. I’m still amazed I’ve survived 1554 days and more amazed that I’m here.
Regardless of the outcome of the challenge ahead I thank all those kind people who’ve helped me get here. My friends you know who you are thank you for being by my side when my world crumbled many times over and still does.. Thank you to my brilliant Coach who has selflessly supported me and encouraged me every step of the way. There have been perfect strangers who’ve unknowingly helped. So many of you have played a part in my getting to this point including my past and present work colleagues who’ve just been amazingly supportive. The list of kind people is endless.
I have come to realise that I started this journey of trying to make sense of my life without my Dad and trying to find me but I have gained so so much along the way. We are resilient and we love. Love gives us strength and courage but it also makes us vulnerable. I have learnt to open my heart and to be thankful for all that is. I will not stop from exploration and I never want to stop being grateful for the joy and the heartache because it is this that makes us whole. Amidst the chaos we must find the still point of this turning world and feel wow, amazing grace thank you God.
Peace be with you.
2nd April 2018.