It is precisely 4 years 5 months and 26 days or rather 1,638 days since my Dad died. I am not still grieving but yes I know the days and hours I have survived without him. When I say without him I mean without his physical presence. I have trained my heart and mind to feel his presence most of the times and on the odd occasion I fall and I still do I do find him again. Yesterday, I went to the park by the lake where I have scattered my Dad’s ashes. I was sat there as it was a beautiful warm day enjoying nature at it’s glorious best when a thought occurred. I asked myself can I remember the times we sat together, the times we walked together, the times we laughed together, the times we sat down and ate together and the list went on. The answer was I do remember those days when he and I used to walk around this very park. We would sit on the bench together but I can’t remember the last time he and I sat down to eat together. I then thought I hope I never forget those happy moments we had because it is his smiling eyes and his smiling face that keeps me going. It is those happy memories that helps us to keep marching forward.
Though it is almost 4 and a half years since his death every day without fail I have written a note to my Dad. These are not letters to my Dad but my daily conversation. It is here that I tell him about what makes me smile and what worries I carry. Sometimes I get into a sticky patch and I think if he was here I would have asked him for his advice. If I can’t think of what he might have said I just leave a note to my Dad to help me find the answer. The void left by his death is there I cannot deny it and I am not sure if will ever not notice it but I have turned death on its head and treated it as an minor blip. The reality is I can feel his presence in everything I do my Dad is with me and I pray that when I am old and frail I will still feel his presence as I do right now. Mind you there is a part of me that never wants to get old and wants to be with him right now! That’s a contradiction when I say I feel his presence!!
The difficulty with us humans is that we tend to only recognise the physical world and ignore the unseen however, nobody has seen love it is felt. We fall in love with the person whom we think is the body when it is in fact the soul we are in love with..
The person who has had the biggest influence in my life was and is still my father. We shared a journey together that fills my heart with gratitude in abundance. The last 4 years and almost 6 months have been a period when I have learnt the most about me. It has been the most difficult period yet the most important period of my life. I am glad I had him as my Dad and I am so glad I have been on this journey. My life has turned upside down and still is upside down but I am happy that I have learnt to see the world from a different perspective!
To all those hurting and missing the loss of their parent remember death does not tear us apart from our loved ones it brings us closer together in ways we weren’t before.
“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
25th June 2018.