Last July I made the first big #commitment and change to my life from being in survival mode to perhaps giving myself permission to stretch myself and allow myself to be 💖 loved. It sounds sad and heavy but honestly, it isn’t. I’ve been blessed with a very privileged upbringing and my life has always been pretty #fantastic on all levels. I have never had to be without what I need in fact, I have more than I need yet I miss my 😓 father’s love so so much.

So what happened in July last year? 🐶 I decided to say yes to a German shepherd puppy. He, Oscar came as an 8 week puppy. Now all dog lovers out there will know full well how hard it is to raise a puppy. 💪 Not having had children this was even a bigger challenge for me.

My puppy has recently turned 9 months so we’ve spent 6 months getting know each other and learning to live together. 🙌 Dog #training is misleading it’s actually training for the dog handler. This is ongoing and I’ve experienced fear, fear of him pulling me, fear of me letting go of his lead, and there goes my sense of #invincibility.

As a single parent which is I realise I now am, I am raising a strong and powerful puppy, and he’s big. 😱 It has been hard but I am absolutely glad he has come into my life. You see I need him more than he needs me.

My father’s death cracked me open and now Oscar has cracked me open even more wider than before. 💓 My father was until now the only person who gave me #unconditionallove and now Oscar does. We all want to love and to be loved but this is not a transaction or a contract, it can only happen when it is meant to happen.

🥰 Oscar cannot replace my father, nobody can, but he’s come close to being my absolute buddy whose presence gives me warmth in ways I cannot describe in words.

I’ve been cracked open and it’s been worth it. I now realise the #grief and discovery of me was necessary. If we just think for a brief moment and just focus on these two words cracked open..

🤔 What do these two words actually mean?

To me, it means being thrown out of your normal cosy world with a large thud and then being #broken into a million pieces. You still look intact but through the cracks a ☀ ray of light starts to come through, perhaps #hope and #strength? In time you feel enough warmth that you allow yourself to be opened even more. Then comes this overwhelming sense of #gratitude to God for what is and what we have been through.

This is for all those out there who are going through a #toughtime and, feel hopeless and lost. 🙌 I urge you not to give up hope, even in difficult times you will find you have the #strength to overcome the challenges you face. A good friend of mine gave me a card with the following words which I have displayed to this day in my study as it is a reminder of how far I have come. Let this give you the same hope I so badly needed once, and still do now and then.

☀ “In the midst of my darkness I found the sun within myself”. Albert Camus


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