Life is a journey as is grief and whilst we have breath if we embrace both we stand a chance of discovery. This is the conclusion I have come to after 5 years and 7 months of walking, sometimes stumbling and sometimes running through the valley of grief.
Emotional intelligence is a gift as we often find a sense of disconnect when others fail to understand us because we have no words or ways to describe what we are going through especially when we are struggling to fathom what is happening to us. My father was blessed with emotional intelligence in abundance. He could read me in an instant whereas it has taken me sometime to gain an insight into my own soul and this is just the beginning.
So how about us trying to reconnect with our self. Over the past 5 years I have sensed my own death in fact often I felt I was living but a part of me had died when my father died. Looking back that sounds dramatic and even an extreme view but I do remember feeling I was utterly lost. My anchor and my rock disappeared who am I and what is my calling now, these were the many questions I had. Then to top it off there was the physical separation, the absence of this huge figure in my life. As if he was taken away from me forever. Fortunately, the spiritual connection with my father has endured and in fact I feel even more closer to him than I did in life.
I think life is a journey or to put it crudely a process. You wake up then you wake up some more than the self dies and so the evolution of consciousness and discovery goes on. Sue Monk Kidd, talks about how God created this world. Starting with a seed and a sprout and a flower before it goes back to being a seed.
Life and grief is a journey of unfolding and greater awareness. We become more aware of our inner strength and vulnerability. At the same time we grow a bit more compassionate, more loving and more appreciative of our existence and those around us. That is life in its magical lifelong spiralling form. Hopefully, it is going upwards in terms of awareness.
Taking this one step further aren’t we a miracle in motion? Motion is movement we are not quite there yet but we are in motion, going through recovery and discovery. If we can manage to experience both recovery and discovery at the same time then there is hope that we can embrace the loss of a loved one as an enlightening exponential experience. During this journey we die many times and then learn to live again but this time with a greater sense of appreciation and clarity.
I started this post talking about my walking, stumbling and running through the valley of grief. Those who know me well will understand the metaphors used here. I have experienced the lows and highs of what it is like to live without the presence of the most important person in my life, my father. It has not been easy but it certainly has been a journey of recovery and discovery of the self. I conclude with one message from my experience which may offer some hope to those on a similar journey and it is this.
Life is a journey and whilst we have breath it is far better to experience each breath as if it is our last and live life to the full. Grief is part of life. Some of us will never not feel the sadness or emptiness left in our hearts by the death of a very significant person in our lives. They left leaving us with a beautiful big gaping hole which they carefully chiselled like a Michelangelo sculpture in our hearts. If you could touch the edges of this hole you will feel the ruggedness of each single memory and emotion imprinted with love.
We were the chosen ones to have been granted this loving being in our life. Their ‘temporary’ absence is bound to feel like a massive crash but the fact that you have experienced this is a testament to you. You are a miracle, a miracle in motion on the path of recovery and discovery of your truest self.
Peace be with you.
4th August 2019