Imagine life without your father….

“A Dad is an ordinary man turned super hero through his extraordinary love for his child”  Daxa Manhar Patel

I could not imagine even a day in my life without my father and that is still the case even though he is no longer in my physical world.

Today many of you will be celebrating your father as it is Father’s day but some will feel they wish they could. There will be those who have never met their dads and those who wish that had not.  Then there will be some of you who like me belong to the fatherless club, if so, welcome. If you are blessed like I am with a wonderful dad then you will understand how we can feel the void yet feel their constant presence despite their physical death.

A couple days ago I happened to see an advert by the Prostate Charity UK, on the T.V. I usually would have the T.V. on mute when adverts run but on this occasion I found myself paying attention. The advert ended with  the words “Imagine a day in your life without your father”.  Suddenly I felt my heart miss a beat, yes, I thought I don’t have to imagine a day in my life without my father because that is my reality yet somehow I am okay with this reality! It so happens my dad did have prostate cancer.

I remember telling my dad before he passed that I could not imagine my life without him and he would say it will happen one day and you will miss me:) how right he is about that!

Most of the times I am okay in the sense of what we understand okay to mean and then there are times when I am okay being blue. Today, as I sent my best wishes to my friends and family on Father’s day, a good friend sent me an audio clip of his radio show which was aired during lockdown. In that clip he and his fellow presenter, both good friends of the family they both also knew my father, talked about my father and then an extract from my book which contains my blogs, and a blog written on father’s day in 2019 was read.  Hearing my written words read by another on air felt like my feelings had been given flight and power.  I wrote something 3 years ago and this conversation on air was 2 years back yet it all felt so raw and fresh as it if he had been written and read aloud today!   The words still ring true.  I remember when I was invited to talk about father’s day on the radio I could not speak as my voice had gone so some kind soul gave voice to my feeling, how marvellous is that ?   I was reminded of this again 2 years on.

As I approached today I kind of felt it will come together, I wasn’t trying to avoid the day nor was I trying to mark the day with any gusto. I didn’t even have a plan B  in case I had a wobble perhaps because I  know now how to handle myself when I go down.  So a couple of days ago my eyes opened at 4:44am, then yesterday at 3:45 am (345 is the number of our house) and I believe 444 have some significance in the scriptures though I would not say I am qualified to talk about the spiritual significance but I do accept that there is a great deal about this universe and the way we communicate with one another,  often without words,  that is beyond my logical mindset. It follows it does not mean communication without words or beyond death does not exist. I think it does but I can only put my take on things.  As if seeing these sequence of numbers on my dad’s digital clock in my bedroom were not enough, I saw a Spar lorry early in the morning yesterday with their caption ‘There for you‘ while I was walking my dog having woken up with a song ‘I believe in angels’ by ABBA.   A lot to take in, right? This all sounds somewhat coincidental and perhaps even silly to the rationale mind but noticing these signs mean something to me.  Now the song I believe in angels is not a song I have ever paid too much attention to so I was intrigued why this song was playing in my head as I got up in the morning and while I was walking my dog.

I played it on You tube to hear it in full and liked the lyrics.  When I shared these series of signs with my good friend, he pointed out that Abba in Hebrew means father. Just to make sure I googled Abba and Hebrew and this came up..

“The Aramaic term for father (Hebrew abba) appears in traditional Jewish liturgy and Jewish prayers to God (eg. in Kiddish) “. 

Now,  I know my Muslim friends call their dad Aba so there has to be some significance of these series of signs and even if some scholarly person disputes my ‘theory’ of signs from my dad, I believe my dad is reassuring me that he is with me.  This is my 8th father’s day so I am a dab hand at telling myself my Paa is with me. Why does he need to reassure me probably because he knows sometimes I do really do feel his absence.  As the charity advert said, he is the only one who knew when to say “what’s wrong?’ when something was actually wrong.   This was either real or synchronicity in action, perhaps both.  Either that or I am going out of my mind.

This year for the first time ever I did not buy a Father’s Day card. Instead I recycled and wrote a note in a card I bought in 2019.  My father belonged to a generation when people did not celebrate father’s day nor did they buy cards. He was an advocate of recycling things and buying less. I know he will approve of me not buying yet another card because he knows how I feel about him.

So, having said what I have here, to all those out there feeling proud to have their dad by their side or those who may feel they wish they had,  if you feel as blessed as I do for having a great father then tell him how much you love him and how  grateful you are for his presence in your life. For those like me who are missing their dad you can still communicate with your dad if you wish. You father is WITH YOU just as mine is WITH ME.  If you don’t yet feel it break open even more and you will, I promise you.  

Happy Father’s day Pops.

©DMP

19th June, 2022. Father’s Day.