Here I am after a long time. We have gone past mid-November, and I sense the heaviness as I approach the end of this year and yet another death anniversary. Eleven years without my father’s physical presence and why am I still feeling empty, and alone?
The voice inside says nobody cares how I feel, lot of people become adult orphans I am not the first one or the last one to feel the absence of her best friend, but when I want to have a heart to heart without judgement, I still miss my father because he was the only person that gave me that space.
I feel marooned on this island just me and Oscar, my dog. Not to sound dramatic as my problems pale into insignificance compared to others, it is a basic human need like food is for the body, to feel visible and heard.
We are all one, yet we are all unique I am certain I am not the only human in this world who has no next of kin. I do not say this out of pity but the dynamics of our situation either aids or compounds who we feel, but then we have the choice to take back control to the degree we can turn the boat of life around (to some extent.). I am very good at giving advice to people who are going through life challenges but that does not mean I do not have my own emotional challenges and mountain to climb. Humility and vulnerability are another side to being strong and almost invincible, and every single person has their own share of heavy rocks in the rucksack they carry on their back as they walk the journey of life.
I do not look forward to December as my dad died on the 30th and my life changed completely, I went from having a family, my dad and me, to having no one who has my back or cares about me. I am an adult orphan and even after all this time, I wish I could have another hour with my dad, I would love to just put my head on his shoulder and sit quietly next to him. He would totally understand what is going on in my head and heart.
Struggles in life help us grow and I appreciate it is through our pain we become more grateful and humble for the many blessings. This does not mean we cannot acknowledge where we are and what we are going through. So, to my dad hoping that he can still hear me, I will say this. Pops, I feel alone, lost, and empty. Right now, I could do with holding your hand to get my courage back so I can keep walking up the hill. I want to come home to you, but I guess the fact that I am still here means God has some work left for me to do which is part of my karmic duty. I know tomorrow, it may feel differently. I miss you father, and I know you can hear me.
To all the adult orphans out there who were blessed to have an incredible friendship with their dads, remember you are not alone, love gives us enormous strength, but it also breaks us, and it is fine to admit that we may hurt sometimes, accepting this pain helps us to get back on our feet. Thank you for reading this, I wish you hope, and peace on your journey.
Peace be with you.
©DMP
17th November 2024.
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