Here I am after what seems ages. Feeling melancholy though I know I have a lot to be thankful for and that my glass is half full.
Four days ago it was or would have been my Dad’s 99th birthday. He wanted to make a century but died at 95. Part of me feels my Dad’s has never left me for he’s still a huge part of who I am. Then part of me feels how many more days must I live without him. He was and still is the person who inspires me to be at my best. I now realise I did not appreciate the magnitude of his important presence in my life until after his death. I never thanked him enough when he was alive or appreciated the many millions of things he did for my benefit. I took him for granted.
Regrets and gratitude it is a mix feeling. If I say I miss him it appears he’s not in my life but he is. Mostly now when I think of him I smile with pride I am so glad I am his daughter. I have been going through some obstacles which often we all have to face and it is during these times I miss coming home to him putting my head on his shoulder and not saying a word. For he would understand the workings of my mind. He would put his hand on my head and I would feel so safe and at home. I miss his loving touch on my head and will do for the rest of my life. Nobody can fill his shoes and nobody can takes his place in my life..
We often communicated without words and we definitely understood one another. I guess that is the language of love, trust and something awesomely deep between two souls.
On a positive note just before my Dad’s birthday I decided I would mark the day by inviting a few kinds souls for a little get together. The day before I went to the supermarket in preparation of the event and the supermarket bill came to £99.95 at first I did not notice anything untoward then I thought, my Dad passed away at 95 and tomorrow he would have been 99. whether that was a sign or not I looked up at the skies and smiled.
On the day itself though I was feeling numb I braced myself to put on a good show as I was the host and to do my best. I went to the local hospice with a cake I actually went to meet one very kind person there instead we ended up in the canteen where I cut the cake and it was quite a sight. The visitors and staff enjoyed the cake. This was totally unplanned as people helped themselves to the tiny pieces of cake I was asked about my Dad and it really felt good. Something beautiful came about without any effort at all!
Later my friends came home to help me mark the day. Overall it was a good day we all enjoyed the good company and food. Considering how I felt to begin with it went well. As I reflected on the day I was in it but felt I was not in it if that makes sense.
The day was so full on that I did not get the chance to have a one to one with my Dad (as if he is alive) or even open and read the card to him that I had written to him! Still it was a good way to celebrate his 99th birthday I am sure he was looking down on us all and smiling away with some degree of amusement and pride.
The next day after putting the house back together I put the radio on only for Tony Blackburn to announce the last song of his programme it was a duet by a father and daughter, it was Frank and Nancy Sinatra singing ‘something stupid’. I thought oh my God my Dad is reminding me that he loves me. I know it is a romantic song but I don’t care it was sung by a father and daughter and that sign was pretty awesome and meaningful to me. My father and I together were a formidable duo even in business we worked together in complete harmony.
So here I am having got through his fourth birthday without him I am still here standing and seemingly managing with the challenges of life. How I feel inside is only probably apparent to someone who has lost a much loved one.
My thought of my journey thus far is that one does not recover or even feel better after the death of a significant loved one, especially, in my case the death of an only parent. However, one is able to put on a brave face and give a jolly good impression that life is absolutely fine. As death is part of life we have no choice but to accept it with grace and a degree of audacity!
I will end on the note that if someone is on a similar journey to mine hang in there. Your love for your loved one and their love for you will help you through and there are lots of kind folks out there be it family, friends and complete strangers who will give you a helping hand when you are down on your knees. You will look back and know for sure that your loved one is very much still with you and will always be with you no matter what. You just have to get used to feeling their presence and seeing them through the eyes of your soul.
Peace be with you.
Copyright . DMP 26.4.17