Finding your way forward

“For things to change, you have to change.” Jim Rohn

When you see the title of this piece you will think what has this to do with grief, right? It is connected.  Losing my father was like an earthquake in my otherwise smooth and successful existence.  I found myself alone questioning everything that once worked for me and gave me a ‘certain’ world. I was lost and disillusioned and I questioned why I was still here.

Some of you will have followed my writing over the past seven years.  Even as I look at me now and am amazed I am still standing.  I was once a successful professional working full time as a law firm Partner and Solicitor in a reputable national practice.  Today, I am still that only I have acquired some additional skills I never thought either I would need or indeed have.  In addition to now being a law firm Partner and Solicitor, which I do part time, I am also an Executive leadership Coach.  I mention this because this is not something I ever aspired to be. To be honest, I cannot even say I knew what coaching was about until I found myself at crossroads where some kind soul suggested I should try coaching. 

For those who know me I am a pretty confident and self reliable person.  I used to think I help. The thought that I would need help from others was an alien concept in my head.   When your world falls apart you soon realise it is possible to ask for help and that does not diminish your personal power of being a strong person. In fact it is being honest with the self.  Only in my case it took a big event for me to recognise the obvious. 

When the pandemic arrived did we envisage what we have been through these past 18 months and what we are still going through ? I am pretty sure not even those who claim to predict the future can say with honesty that a pandemic of this scale was going to turn our lives upside down.

2020 was not the kind of year we thought it would be and to some extent the same can be said for this year and probably for next year too.  The lives lost, the people for whom the world has been changed forever, and the direct and indirect impact of this episode in history will have affected us all to some degree.  We either know someone who has suffered a bereavement through Covid-19 or we have suffered a personal loss in our lives.   Put simply this has been too close to home. 

So what has all this to do with my grief journey and my being a Coach? What happens to us in our personal life has a profound impact on our professional life.  Wherever we go and whatever we do, we invest our entire being in the role we perform.   The reason why I had coaching myself was because after having practiced as a lawyer for 20 years, losing my father made me question whether I still found my profession meaningful.  I was for a good few years following my father’s passing in a place where I was trying to find something that still had meaning and purpose. Joy did not feature in my vocabulary as survival was the aim.  

The pandemic has caused upset on a huge scale. Businesses did not have a plan B to manage this situation and neither did we as individuals.  Businesses and leaders have had to struggle with many issues of uncertainty not to mention the loss of income, staff and and people issues and an uncertain road ahead.  Individuals and organisations have built in resilience, sure but this pandemic has tested some more than others.  

Watching Gareth Southgate whom I greatly admire not just because he has achieved something spectacular with getting us to the Euro final but also because he epitomises all the qualities of an exceptional yet humble leader, it made me stop and think.  I was fortunate to work with a leader whom I have huge respect for and I recall he once said, he is a good leader because he is surrounded by good people.  Leaders are generally lonely at the top, they carry more responsibility and have fewer people in their organisation they can confide to. Trust and safety does not come easily and is not something that we can take for granted either.   Good decisions cannot be made by one person or isolation. The leader needs to have around them a team of people they trust as their thinking partners and sounding boards.  Some leaders have that but having people outside your bubble has the added advantage of an independent as well as objective perspective.  This is where having a Coach by your side can make a huge difference. 

In my personal life I had coaching to help me find my reason to live again after my loss.  My coaching also helped me to realise I had not lost my passion as a lawyer but it ignited a dormant passion which I have always had but did not recognise. This was my ability to help, inspire and encourage others to do well and achieve their goals.   My dad in many ways was also my Coach even though he was my father. Having had coaching I decided to get my training so I did the ILM7  in Coaching & Mentoring.  This was an amazing journey in itself as I learnt  even though I did acquire an MBA many years back, the context of coaching and mentoring in a strategic business environment. I learnt about undertaking coaching and mentoring at a Senior and strategic level.  This was incredibly enlightening because it made me reflect on my journey and how having hit the crisis iceberg I managed  to keep going.  I am not done yet but I have realised that my personal journey of having to dig myself out of my personal life crisis makes me well placed to help others who might be at their crossroads.  Those who know us will know about the incredible bond between my father and I (I will say we still have that bond ) so the grief I felt was something I did expect but may be not the extent of it.   However, finding a  new part of me with a sense of purpose to keep going is a massive surprise to me. I doubt if I could have discovered this on my own. 

I said earlier that finding a reason to live was my challenge and now I have found a reason to feel joy. Joy from helping others to thrive and see their potential.  Sounds altruistic but it is not, it is as basic as being acknowledged for who we are. 

I help people like me, people who are driven, successful and strong, but are either at a crossroads and are feeling ‘temporarily’ lost before they discover clarity to help them steer their journey in the direction of their choice.  

As an Executive Leadership Coach I give others the safe thinking space.  I offer a non-judgemental objective listening space where leaders can think and find their own solutions and strategies to deal with any crisis/ change they are going through in their own lives as well as in their business/ professional lives. 

My book My Dad and Me: A journey of Love, loss and life comes from my crisis and so does my ability to coach others through change and crisis. Neither of these outcomes were ever on my list of goals 8 years ago but this is a bi-product of self discovery which I feel gives me the capacity to be of help to others.  A caveat being a lawyer, I must state, I am not a therapist nor am I still, an expert on grief.  However, from the lessons I learnt from my own heartache and hardship if I can be there for others than I see enormous value in the reason why I do what I do.

It was also not a strategy to have my book out then set up a coaching business.  For a long time I was in survival mode.  I do not know when I switched lanes.   This all happened unexpectedly and organically, but what I can say hand on heart is that I am glad this happened. I am glad I acknowledged my grief.  My training and experience as a lawyer helps me to offer advice to my clients, my breaking has now helped me to listen more.  Pretty much the reason why we do what we do is not because of any fancy job title or letters behind our names, it is something much deeper. We want to touch lives, we want to make a difference and we want to help others.  It is not a transaction nor is it complicated, it is a journey of resilience and self discovery, and whoever, I have had the privileged to help thus far, I consider it my good fortunate that they see me as their worthy travelling companion albeit, in the guise of a Coach, lawyer or friend.  

I will end this post with one more thought,  I enjoy my coaching and legal work, and I have gained so much from coaching. It is a little bit like my gym membership, coaching is essential for my emotional wellbeing just as running is along with my writing. 

Every month I have three slots open in my diary.  This is for anyone who has not tasted the magic of coaching, and is facing either some change or crisis.  Change can take many forms, loss of a loved one, loss of a career, uncertainty or feeling burnt out.  I have been through all this.    I waive my fee for these sessions.   I do not offer discovery calls I offer actual free coaching in the 3 slots I hold for anyone in need.  This is my way of giving back and my way of reaching out to those who might see coaching as something invisible, fuzzy  and vague. Believe me, it does work if you are open, engaged and really want to see the change you wish to see in your life.  Sometimes we are stuck but we are too busy to know it or sometimes we are hesitating as we are afraid of seeking help.  I run marathons, and I know I cannot do that without my running coach, my sports therapist, my training and a good game plan. This is my running strategy. The same applies to life crisis and change, we may not see the answers at first but we can have someone on our side who can help us through this. All you have to do is to find time for yourself, and you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself so you can continue to do what you must do for those you care. 

I have come full circle with the title of this piece. For me the crisis, change, grief that I went through and I am still going through has been  managed because I sought help.   In my tool bag for my overall wellbeing, I have a number of tools. Coaching is one of those key tools. I had coaching yesterday and this morning I woke up with a renewed sense of purpose. 

Finally, it seems appropriate to leave you with a couple of quotes. 

“My job is to allow people to dream. Make the impossible seem possible” Gareth Southgates 

This is what you probably do for all those people you lead but what do you do for yourself ?

This is my take on coaching.  

“Coaching helps you to listen to your soul and it helps you live with joy”.  Daxa Patel 

Be kind to you.

©DMP

13th July, 2021.

Daxa Patel Coaching Solutions

My Dad and Me – by Daxa Patel (daxapatelmydadandme.co.uk)

Daxa M Patel | LinkedIn

This December 30th will mark 7 years to the day my father passed.  When I saw my book on Amazon I was thinking gosh, what would my father make of this? My answer is below..

The blogs are now in one book which I hope is easy on the eye and on the soul. I know grief can be terribly exhausting. A friend of mine who is in the midst of her journey and asked if I could make my book available as an audio book, I said, I will surely do my best.

When the idea of putting my blogs, all 50 of them came early this year, I did not know what I was getting into.  It has been an emotional journey but I was supported by my fantastic publisher and her team at 2QT Publishing in North Yorkshire.  Having to read through my writing and revisit the early days of my journey I felt humble and blessed.   Fast forward the book is now on Amazon.  If it is of interest it can be bought in paperback and e-book format.   The link is below or it can be bought using the Buy Now tab on this website. 

Amazon.co.uk : my dad and me a journey of love, loss and life

I have to say something about the book cover which is displayed on this website.  Nothing about this project is off the shelf I am proud to say.  The book cover shows my hand being held by my father.  This was hand drawn by my very good friend, Gerry Andrews. He is an amazing and creative soul.  I had seen his paintings which is his hobby so I decided to commission him.   The painting is based on a photograph I took in the last days, knowing that I was losing him but how wrong was I! Seven years on, I feel my father is more closer to me than before.  My friend captured something so personal and so beautiful in his painting that it had be centre stage of the cover. He also designed the entire cover with a backdrop of mountains charting my long journey.  What this cover does is to beautiful wrap around the writing in a cosy, comfort like fleece orange blanket to keep it warm.  

This year has been so challenging for many of us that it felt right for me to want to put the book out there in the hope that it could reach out to those in the midst of their Mount Everest.  In 2014 I did not think I would survive, but I did and while it was in the main a solitary journey I was blessed to have many angels who helped me keep going to this point.  

This book is not about death but it is about love and life.  We see grief as a linear process but it is not. It is not until we find ourselves there do we learn grief is much more than loss, it is about living with love and for love.

Talking to one of my father’s close friend yesterday, we concluded if the soul is eternal then it is possible for the soul to be in two places at once. I know I have no scientific proof for this but it is based on how we feel.

Coming back to the question I asked myself above, what would my father make of this book, I have the answer. When I saw the book on Amazon, this was on Thursday last week, my immediate reaction was OMG both my father and I are on Amazon, not strictly correct, but the author is Daxa which is me and my middle name is my father’s name Manhar, so technically we are both ‘on’ Amazon. My second thought was my father will not get to see this moment.  I know there are lots of people who write books, so what is special about my book, nothing, other than I never thought my personal experience of my life after Dad would be in a book and I never saw myself as a writer either. 

On Saturday, I went for a run to clear my head. After my run I felt so tired as though I had run a marathon so I fell asleep in daytime on the sofa which is so unlike me.  That day my father came in my dream and he was there when I was unwrapping the book, he got up from the sofa and came towards me looking happy. When I woke up, I thought, yep, he knows everything. He can be in astral universe and with me at the same time. 

So,  to anyone out there is is in the midst of their journey, unsure if they will make it to the next year, the next month or indeed the next day, take it from someone who could not see beyond a day, YOU WILL. And you will not be alone in your journey either, your loved one whom you miss so much is with you and so are many angels around you. You will notice them when you are ready just take it one step at a time and keep going..

Peace be with you.

©DMP

16th December 2020