It is almost a year since my dear father passed away. I have not been able to post a blog lately as I just did not have the words to describe my journey.
Survival has been my only aim. I am hanging on how I have made it thus far even I wonder.
My father was my perfect father. My hero and my anchor. Here I am drifting but hanging on trying to remember all the survival tips he taught me. Like others I too will survive, I just have to. There has to be a reason for this pain and a reason why I am still here.
Nobody and nothing can fill his place in my life. Yes even at my age I am an orphan. A father is the masterpiece of nature, said Antoine Francois Prevost Lescout. So true.
He just gave me unconditional love and care. As he was proud of me I was more proud of him. Even at the age of 95 he would enquire how the FTSE was doing! His brilliant mind and the long conversations I so miss.
Some are surprised my tears are still there. Comments like are you depressed or you need to snap out of it and you must move on really are insensitive. Those who have not been here cannot understand.
I still have days when I lose control. I can be walking looking at the sky and without any effort tears flow. I still can’t listen to Papa’s favourite music or cook his favourite food. Yet the next day I will get up and go. Almost like a robot.
The scale of the devastation in my life only I know yet I look fine to others. I am comfortable and yes I am working so all is normal. But it is not. Part of me died the day my father died. I feel I have to climb Mount Kilimanjaro and I am still at base camp or like a child learning to walk again. Falling yet trying to get up.
The thing about grief is that when you have least energy you have to make every effort to dig deep to find the energy keep going.
I am fatherless, I am a bereaved carer and I am an orphan. I don’t want sympathy I am a daughter who has a right to grieve the death of her father. Other daughters may not feel like I do. They were not as lucky as I.
I cannot say I was looking forward to December but it came anyway. The Christmas tree was decorated as my father would like. Cards were sent. The show carries on.
I am not eagerly awaiting the first anniversary or indeed the new year but it will still come.
I so wanted to put a positive spin on all this sadness and I had to do something meaningful to mark my father’s first year of freedom from planet Earth. Christmas hampers were distributed to our local senior citizens who are housebound and over the age of 90. I think Dad would have approved.
I have no fixed plan for the actual day. I will just go with the flow. He is with me always and forever. That is the only thing I do know..
I will leave with a few lessons of life my father taught me, so here it goes..
1. Give money to the those in need. At least 10% of income should go to worthy causes. As charity begins at home donate locally first.
2. Always know where you will be in 10 year’s time and never compromise on your principles.
3. Understand and appreciate three things, money, the economy and human psyche.
4. Love is the only thing that matters the rest will follow.
5. Be happy God has given us everything we need.
To those reading this blog if you are going through your own journey of loss let it be. It is okay to grieve it is normal. The deeper your love the more it hurts but that is good you are blessed to have had such a beautiful relationship which nobody can take away from you.
Peace be with you.
28.12.14 © DMP