Its been a while. I ask myself it’s five years now surely I’m over the worst part of my grief journey but then it hits me sideways. I lose my balance momentarily so I am forced to hit the PAUSE button, I retreat, reflect and then get up to carry on to face another day. I move from being utterly grateful for all the blessings I have to feeling equally empty and lost.
To be honest I feel tired of trying to fill the void left by my Dad it’s just not possible.
What am I holding on to and what is stopping me from moving forward I ask. The time since my father’s death has been like a capsule of constant change. I started this journey with one aim which was to survive. I keep saying to myself I have so much going in my life and so many things to be very grateful for yet deep down the one person whose approval and smile I crave for I cannot have. I remember writing in my blog in the early days a quote which I read which went along the lines of grief will either break you or make you. It will smash you into pieces and if you make it through you will look the same but inside you will be bruised, battered, misshaped but even more stronger. The many stories I have read and the many quotes I have read on what it is like to walk through the jungle of grief have now made sense. The bottom line is grief is so personal as personal as our DNA. There is no best before date or end date, it just is. I am resigned to feeling this massive void in my being for the rest of my life no matter what I do and what I have.
Sometimes we question if our loved ones who’ve gone are with us. Last Saturday I had a surreal experience.
I was visiting the mind body festival nearby I’d gone there to support a friend. There I got talking to this guy who was a medium. Now until now I’ve not been tempted to see one because I’ve always felt a connection with my father. This chap said he had my father there and he had a message for me. The message was keep wearing his ring and that I’m on the right track. I remember very clearly I was feeling cold and my hands were in my pocket so I don’t think he had the chance to see my hands.
I don’t want to say I endorse seeing a medium. This was my first encounter and it was a chance meeting.
As it happens I am wearing my Dad’s ring which he had made for him when he was 19 it has his name engraved on the ring. I always wear it. I asked this guy if he said this with a view to persuading me to book a session with him to which he said no. In his words I do not need to see a medium or a clairvoyant as my connection with my father is very strong. That was reassuring to hear even though I know it.
Now I could be cynical and see this as reverse psychology or perhaps the truth is somewhere in between. I do believe there are many things in this universe which I don’t understand or even see yet it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
The soul connection is just one example we can’t see it but we feel it.
Since my father’s death I’ve shed some tears. I have sobbed my heart out just twice and I know exactly when. What is hard to appreciate by those who’ve not experience the loss of a loved one is that the pain of loss or separation is just as real if not more so than any imaginable physical pain. Yet we are so remarkably resilient that we can keep going we can even smile and live a full life which surely we must aim to do so for our sake and as a tribute to the soul we loved so much.
My father was an optimistic soul and he was never held back by anything. I am not as strong as he yet there is always hope.
I always like to end my post on a hopeful note. I will leave you with this beautiful quote by William Wordsworth
“We will grieve not, rather find the strength in what remains behind”
I’d add that what remains behind is us, you, me and this beautiful universe.
Peace be with you.
3rd March 2019