It has been a while since my last blog. I have been thinking what to say so much has happened and there is so much I still wish to discuss with my Dad. 3 years and 8 months sounds like a long time but to me it seems only yesterday my father passed.
The last days and moments are etched in my mind though I try not to dwell on those days. My father made me and I will always be thankful that he was such a big part of my life.
After all this time I know one thing the void left by my father’s death is so huge that nothing will replace this big hole in my being BUT that’s absolutely fine.
He lives on in my life and in everything I do. I write this blog from Dubai my father and I visited this same place some 6 years ago. Though, at the time he was in a wheel chair what I remember distinctly is that he was in his elements and given the chance even in that condition he probably would have travelled the world with me because I know he lived for me.
When we came last time I hired a private yacht much to his delight. I repeated the same journey this time with a feeling that he was watching over me saying enjoy I am still with you.
I went deep sea diving today and I was thinking what he would have made of that. I can hear him saying go my daughter do what pleases you. I was out of my comfort zone and I doubt I would have had the courage to do this before. Some of my friends have commented on the change they see in me though I think I am the same person one thing I know now is that I am more willing to take a chance. Unlike my Dad who was not shy of taking risks I always took a cautious approach to life.. something has changed.
I did something else this week that I think would have made him happy. I gave his brand new suit to his great grandson Dishant who turned 18 this week. Dishant was very dear to my Dad. Like my father Dishant is a kind soul very thoughtful and loving. I visited my sister and nephew’s family to mark this special day as a surprise as I personally wanted to give the suit to my grand nephew. My grand nephew wrote me a letter afterwards saying that he did not think he was deserving of this gift but he appreciated the gesture nevertheless. The very fact that he was able to appreciate the significance of this gift makes him very deserving indeed. I have no doubt in my mind that this great grandson will make my father very proud.
Grief is like a slow dance. At first you have no idea how to survive then you begin to get into the rhythm of it. After a while you learn to see what you have achieved rather than what still needs fine tuning. I don’t want to associate my father’s memory with pain and sadness oh no, he means joy and life to me. He means living a life with purpose and zest.
He had his fair share of tragedies having lost his wife to T.B. and their two young children when he was only 27. He did not give up on life he lived but I know whenever he spoke of his first wife he did so with so much love and fondness. He remarried and had a new family but she lived on with him. Even now when I think of my Dad and where he might be and what he might be doing I instantly think he must be with his first wife, Rewa just waiting for me to arrive on the scene…
If there is one thing that has helped me to get to this point it is the knowledge that I am his daughter I cannot afford to give up on life. I am blessed I have friends who are more like my family and those few members of my family that are in my life are more like my friends so I am surrounded by kind souls who care for me. I am grateful for their presence in my life.
Dancing through grief is where I feel I am now but at the start I was totally broken to the point that I did not know if I would make it thought the first year never mind 3 years on. So grief and loss of any significance teaches us about our own strength and resilience. It is a slow dance. At first you do not know the steps then slowly with patience and practice you get the hang of the basic steps but each time you learn something new about the Universe, about your love and about yourself.
For me my father’s death was a turning point for this journey helped me to get to know me.
In times of crisis or doubt I always remember my father’s words which was live with a lion’s heart unafraid of anything or anyone. My conscience must be clear as long as I have not caused harm to another I have nothing to fear. Life is a gift we are meant to be kind to ourselves.
I know he is watching over me protecting me, guiding me and spurring me on to live life to the full and that is what I intend to do. That will be my way of expressing my gratitude to him for making me who I am today.
So if you happen to stumble across this blog because you are going through your own journey of loss and pain please be kind to yourself. Losing a significant loved one doesn’t break you it makes you. You will be amazed by your own courage.
Peace be with you always.
3rd September 2017.