As I approached December I did so with a degree of dread but thus far I have got through without crumbling.
Wayne Dyer, the esteem philosopher said what we see is not real what we don’t see is!
I definitely feel my Dad is with me but I can’t prove it. I don’t need to I just know. This month has been momentus. I leave my job with a firm I have been for almost 17 years. My work has been a saving grace but leaving feels a necessary part of my healing. My colleagues have been absolutely awesome, kind and generous. They have given me so much emotional support since my father passed for which I will always be grateful.
I leave to join another awesome firm. Though I have not started there the warmth and welcome has been wonderful. I am amazed I have absolutely nothing to complain about.
This month I also started training for the London marathon so far thanks to my great Coach I am on track inspite of the cold weather. And of course I also mark yet another Christmas, another anniversary and another new year. The Christmas tree is up looking glorious as usual. My Dad would always switch the lights on but I do it now on his behalf. Our live Christmas tree sits in the front garden my father always thought a well decorated tree would bring a smile to the folk passing our home. That thought helps me through and one thing I have found is that all the rituals of marking Christmas which I learnt from my Dad like giving a present to the bin man and the postie feels a necessary part of life. This is the one time in the year where we can show our appreciation to others so why miss the chance.
I am quietly optimistic I will get through the next few days emotionally in one piece and even if I don’t I will survive.
I read in the early days that when we approach an anniversary or a special day it is helpful if we plan ahead as to how we propose to mark the day. For me it is like learning to ride a bike I am about to see how I can balance myself without being too prescriptive. I am quite conscious of the good people around me who continue to help me. I am also acutely aware that we are not really in control. I remember when my Dad passed on 30th December it was 2.20pm a clear and crisp winter afternoon. As soon as I realised he was gone I felt this overwhelming sense of relief and gratitude to the Lord. Relief because I would never have to worry about him suffering anymore. Gratitude that he died with me holding his hand and in the presence of those people whom he loved. My final words before he passed was that I was handing his hand in the hands of the Lord as I write this I feel those exact emotions but I still think it is a blessing that his time on earth ended just as he wished. He died in his own home with me besides him. I did not choreograph the last scene it was a force far greater than I so I believe that in the end all will come good. Every challenge and every soul I encounter in this physical life is a necessary part of my journey and a blessing.
A close friend of mine recently gave me a plaque which read
“In every ending there is a new beginning. ”
I am beginning to realise how true that is.
If you are reading this blog I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a peaceful new year. I hope you find your own garden of oasis. Peace resides in us if we find that first we can see it outside as well.