So here I am about to mark 3 years of surviving ‘alone’ after my father’s physical death.
Alone is the reality I don’t mean that in a self pity way far from it. I am blessed to have had some really lovely kind souls as my kindred spirits who have walked with me on part of my journey. They have come in my life when I needed them most for which I will always be grateful. Without them I am sure I would not have survived so intact..
But I have been walking on this road constantly alone that is the reality of anyone and everyone who loses a much loved one in their life. Losing a parent even as an adult is ‘game changer’ for want of a better word you either make it or don’t. Even as an adult I am an orphan and that’s a fact of life.
I keep reminding myself that I am not unique in that respect but the journey is mine and unique to me. Unique as the love I shared with my Dad unique as the unconditional love he had for me which is irreplaceable and will always be.
So what’s it like to have walked almost 3 years ? Sometimes I feel wow I’ve made it I can’t believe I have survived and sometimes I hit rock bottom. As time goes on the fall to the bottom is harder because I have more good days now but the tools I have picked up along the way do help to make the climb out of the bottom a little easier. One thing that is constant is despite the smiles, the discipline and the occasional joy (yes I do feel that too now) there is a deep sadness I cannot shift. I mostly don’t give it room to remind me but it is always there.
In the scheme of things three years may sound like a long time but it is not as in my case I spent a life time with my father and only a small time without him. In life he was my rock I still think he is though he is not here. He certainly still inspires me to be my higher and better self. Even when he was frail and closer to death he still had my back and though I walk tall there is a huge hole the void is too huge to even describe.
I read this quote the other day
“They say time heals all wounds but that presumes the source of grief is finite” -Cassandra Clare.
I can’t improve on that quote.
I sometimes say to myself I’m so proud of how I have conducted myself since losing my Dad and I hope he too is proud of me. He has not left my life if anything I think the connection between us is stronger than before I know that is really hard to understand unless one has been on this journey yet I still miss him so. Especially, when I have good news to share I yearn to see his smiling eyes and wish for his hand on my head. I still want to have a conversation with him about say Brexit and the US elections! Without words I knew he loved me the most and our communication even in life was often without words as I feel it is now but what I wouldn’t do to hear his voice again..
This little poem touches the soul and perhaps conveys how I feel right now..
“Where you used to be
there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking
around in the daytime,
and falling in at night.
I miss you like hell.” – Edna St. Vincent Millay
There is a silver lining to this journey and grief is a roller coaster of emotions when you have no option you become strong. That’s it.
I will end on this note by referring to yet another quote which sometimes conveys my thought as often words are hard to find even for someone like me who talks for a living.
“Look closely and you will see almost everyone is carrying a bag of cement on their shoulders. That’s why it takes courage to get out of bed in the morning and climb into the day.”- Edward Hirsch.
I would say to those on a similar journey don’t lose heart like me you will get through just feel grateful to have loved and lost. It is empowering for sure. Believe you will get through and you will find the strength to get through.
Finally, this is my saving grace…
A smooth sea never made a skilful sailor- Old English Proverb.
Peace be with you.
Copyright DMP 24.11.16